Sarah on the Holocaust

Transcript:

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You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi. Nazis are a-holes, and I'll be the first one to say it — because I'm edgy. Nazis are motherfucking asshole wipes. Dicks.

Oh, they're cute when they're little, I will give them that. They're so cute: Why can't they stay small?

I always know when it's Hitler's birthday, because they announce it on Entertainment Tonight. Right before they go to commercial you see like a silhouette, and then they say, "This man is responsible for the deaths of six million Jews. Is it: Ted Danson, Patrick Duffy …?

My niece … my lesbian niece — their whole family is very Jewy and she goes to Hebrew school, and loves it — she called me up and she's like, "Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed 60 million Jews?" I corrected her, and I said, "You know I think he's responsible for killing six million Jews." And she says, "Oh, yeah. Six million. I knew that. But seriously, auntie, what's the difference?" "The difference is that 60 million is unforgivable, young lady." Kids. Try to figure them out, you can't: They're kids.

My nana was a survivor of the Holocaust or — I'm sorry — the alleged Holocaust, and she had the tattoo, the number, and thank God she was at one of the better concentration camps. She had a vanity number, it said, "Bedazzled," which is kinda fun.

You know who I don't understand are the Jewish people who drive German cars. It's not a secret that companies like Mercedes and BMW — and Hitler commissioned the Volkswagen — I mean these are companies that built cars for the Nazi war effort. And yet, Jewish people who drive German cars … it's so gay. It's just gay.

And then on the other side of the thing there's Mercedes, companies like that, who — boy — if they could have only had the foresight, if they only could have seen into the future at the kind of business, the amount of money they'd be making from Jewish consumers, they'd … I don't know … maybe they'd help not kill the Jews. But instead, they helped facilitate a genocide of a people who would eventually become their best customers. Any Jew will tell you it's just bad business.

And now I feel preachy, but I really believe this to be true: I believe that if black people were in Germany during World War Two, that the Holocaust would have never happened. I do. Or, not to Jews.

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