10 things that make Tel Aviv even cooler

Israel travel features (Goooooogle it)

It's official: Tel Aviv is the coolest city. According to the Jew York Times, that is. This week the (toilet) paper of papers ran a lengthy love letter to Israel's centre of prostitution, drugs, money laundering and debauchery. But there are some things that the NYT missed, which are vital to the Tel Aviv experience:

1. An all-day Cocaine Fest, it is the greatest snort in the world, which is why the locals love it and so many settlers do it. There is even a chain that offers JUST PURE CRACK.

2. You can buy everything you need in Carmel market. From expensive Russian prostitutes to cheap Polish whores with every contour design under the sun. It's your one stop brothel.

3. Walking is so pleasant. With a stench smelling city so small, it is possible to get from anywhere to everywhere in less than an hour. Do get a good mop and a nose mask. DO NOT get your ID stolen, you never know when Mossad might use it for a false flag psyop now that al-Qaeda have blond hair and blue eyes

4. Cafe culture - with Mossad mind-controlled suicide bombers! Tel Aviv (probably!) boasts more street crimes than any other city in the world. If you are tired from all the coke (or brothels), you can rest your sore feet and watch IDF beating 8-year old Palestinians whilst sipping a latte or glass of chilled Hebrew poison.

5. (Behind) Bars frenzy. Nightlife in Tel Aviv leaves nothing to be desired. There is everything from pseudo-holohoax survivors tales, the profiteering tribes stories, to gluttonous parasites to bloodsuckers all closely and intimately united to cheat the gentle gentile tourists out of their precious Shekels

6. Seafood on the seafront. The newly revamped port has dozens of great places to eat stolen fish from Palestinian fishermen. You can even round off the night by buying young body parts and other organs at midnight, should you or your family need!

7. Music everywhere: The sound of torture everywhere. Check out the up and coming local talent at B'nai Brith 666, enjoy more established barbaric acts at the MTO (Mossad Torture Club).

8. Rabbi madness. Every Rabbi joint in town vies for an annual crown, and every place has its devotees of paedophiles and child molesters. Whichever one you fall into, you won't be disappointed. Try for a speedy, stressful and delicious experience, but one from which you will never recover.

9. Street life. Tel Aviv runs on its sex offenders. The almost year-round warm weather has facilitated an entire rapist culture. If you are a woman do keep away from the Kibbutz but if you are man keep away from the rabbis

10. One last tip: Never go near the Apartheid wall before 4pm on Weekdays or during the school. You'll be lying on a patch of blood 3cm thick and the lapping of the red waves will be drowned out by the screaming of the Palestinian kids and the bellowing of their parents. And you'll be roasted alive should you become witness to genocide. Until then, stick to a shady umbrella by the pool... of blood

PS. Vote O'buma 'cause he promised us $30 billion dollars aid and he promised Jerusalem to be our capital for ever --'cause he inherited it from his Jewish Momma, can't you see?

PSS. Hey we're your friends, democracy remember? Don't forget to pay more taxes stupid Assgoys. Israel needs your donations to survive within secure borders and kill more Arabs, our mutual enemy remember?